Dirty Old Mom

My parents had two different philosophies about sex talk when I was growing up. My dad’s was “I don’t know” (or, if pressed, “go ask your mother”). My mom’s was to discuss everything in excrutiating detail. I learned about sex at age 9, seated at the kitchen table with a very serious committee of female family members. They taught me the importance of using the proper terms for everything. I think I was the only grade school kid who knew what ‘fellatio’ and ‘cunnilingus’ were. In 7th grade, a group of us would play four-square at recess; during the game I would teach them the proper words for sexual acts and they would teach me terms like “blowjob” and “box lunch at the Y”. At age 10, I read an article in People magazine about the rape of Kelly McGillis; ‘what’s sodomy?’ I asked my mom. In a rare display of discretion, she replied “an unnatural sex act”. She later related this conversation to my aunt, who turned to me and said “oh, it’s up the poop chute, honey.”

When I was 14, my mother bought me The Joy Of Sex.

I’ve been masturbating since I was a toddler. My parents, in an effort to downplay it, used to call it ‘smashing’ and try to discourage me. I just learned to hide it instead. I have some really bizarre turn-ons, many of which will probably be revealed over the course of this blog.

Over the course of my sexual life, I have encountered fetishes, erectile dysfunction, bisexuality (open AND closeted), voyeurism, exhibitionism, and a few other ‘isms’ that by now seem old-hat to me. I buy lube in bulk. I’ve donned a strap-on and fucked more than one guy.

I’ve been through three pregnancies; one when I was a teenager. I’ve had a miscarriage. I’ve used a variety of birth control methods, including withdrawal (doesn’t work), rhythm (doesn’t work), who-the-fuck-cares (doesn’t work), condoms (mostly works), the pill (several incarnations; mostly works but makes me a BITCH FROM HELL who doesn’t want to fuck anyway), the female condom (unsuccessfully; after three hours in the bathroom trying to insert it I gave up), and the Mirena IUD (works as long as I don’t think about it hanging out in my ute, killin’ babies). I’ve dealt with a variety of weight and body-image issues, especially relating to sexuality and nudity.

I went from years of having an extremely overactive to sex drive to having NONE, overnight. This lasted for three years and brought about no end of marital strife. I even went to doctors for it, never to be taken seriously. One day we went on vacation and halfway through the vacation I suddenly needed to fuck my husband once an hour every day. I realized that I had my sex drive back for good, or at least for a while, when we’d been home from vacation for about a week and I was still feeling the urge, so much so that I had a spontaneous orgasm while sitting on the couch talking to my mother. So far, so good.

I enjoy porno and support the adult sex industry. I go to those naughty home ‘toy’ parties every chance I get. I’m the friend that everyone was always embarrassed to bring to the sex shop because I would make a big scene about the goods. Now I enjoy embarrassing my friends in the privacy of their homes. I watch more porn than my husband, often for entertainment purposes (I have a soft spot in my heart for midget porn), but not always. If it’s been on the internet, chances are I’ve seen it.

I really like to talk about things in the butt.

I have a sense of humor that rivals your typical 12 year old boy’s.

I’m not sure if any of this ‘qualifies’ me for writing a sex blog, but I DO know that I love to talk sex and I’ve never met a question (even hypothetical or rhetorical) that I didn’t want to answer.

I maintain a ‘clean’ blog at http://www.milliondreammom.com .


2 responses

21 07 2009

Looking forward to things to come from this blog! 🙂

22 07 2009
Craig F

It wasn’t one of my relatives, too, that ‘splained what going up the poop chute was, was it? Glad to read you’re as demented as me!

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