Who Opens The Doors In A Dog’s Vagina?

The other day we were sitting around talking and bestiality entered the conversation. Sometimes that happens; you’re just sitting around, chatting about the most recent episode of Grey’s Anatomy, and BOOM! all of a sudden you’re talking about fucking a dog. Usually this happens to us because my husband enjoys making lewd comments about dogs and peanut butter. Oh, come on, YOU know what I’m talking about. The dog’s sitting there on the floor, incessantly licking some part of themselves (in our dog’s case it’s usually her paw. Yes. I know. I think she’s a little slow too), and before you know it someone in the crowd is making a joke about peanut butter and their balls. We’ve all been there.

But once you’ve joked about it, it enters your mind and before you know it, you’re seriously considering it. Maybe not seriously considering DOING it, but you’re thinking about the logistics of it. Personally? I’m OK with the concept of women having sex with a male dog. Male dogs are horny mofos; you KNOW they want to hit that. I’m not sure how I feel about the concept of men having sex with a female dog. I haven’t had a lot of personal experience with dog reproduction, given that we’re pretty committed to spaying and neutering our pets (WORD, folks. SPAY AND NEUTER.), so I don’t really know how you’d tell if a female dog is WILLING. I really don’t think it’s OK to have sex with an animal unless you’re pretty sure they’re a willing partner. I don’t support rapist behavior.

Furthermore, I could never have sex with my own dog. They’re part of the family. The idea of an incestuous dog relationship really weirds me out. Not to mention the fact that once it gets started, the dog’s probably going to want it all the time, and I know this isn’t unlike having a boyfriend but it can be awfully hard to explain to houseguests why your dog is trying to paw you and hump you all the time. At least people expect that kind of behavior from a boyfriend. And speaking of boyfriends, what happens once you get one? What if he doesn’t appreciate you fucking the dog all the time? How do you break up with your dog? The term ‘puppy-dog eyes’ exists for a REASON, people. Or what if the sex isn’t very good, and you decide to get him neutered? Can you IMAGINE the guilt? No, I could never have sex with my own dog.

‘So where, exactly, do you expect to find a steady stream of dogs in the neighborhood that you can borrow for a few hours, bone them, and then return them? On a regular basis?’ my friend asks me. I don’t know, the pound? They probably aren’t very keen to people ‘renting’ out their male dogs though. You’d probably have to become a dog foster parent. I bet that would work pretty well. I don’t know if the humane society spays and neuters the animals when they first arrive though, so that might not work either. And it’s probably not considered very ‘humane’ to give the dog its first piece of ass and then cut off its balls.

Speaking from a male perspective, can you even HAVE sex with a spayed female? ‘Of course you can!’ my friend and husband scoff at me. ‘They don’t REMOVE the VAGINA!’ Well of course, but I mean, can the female get aroused? Would she be willing? It’s very important to me that no one hurts a dog during intercourse, you know. The human vagina lengthens as the woman gets aroused – wait, let’s stop there. You knew that, right? Straight from wikipedia: “During sexual arousal, and particularly the stimulation of the clitoris, the walls of the vagina self-lubricate. This reduces friction that can be caused as a result of various sexual activities. Research has found that portions of the clitoris extend into the vulva and vagina. With arousal, the vagina lengthens rapidly to an average of about 4 in.(8.5 cm), but can continue to lengthen in response to pressure. As the woman becomes fully aroused, the vagina tents (last ²⁄₃ expands in length and width) while the the cervix retracts.” Men, this is not the only reason foreplay is important to us, but it is a BIG part of the reason. It kind of hurts if you try to plunge right in.

So, back to dogs. Does a dog’s vagina lengthen with arousal, and if they are spayed, can this still happen? A quick google search later reveals to us that it doesn’t SEEM to; it doesn’t sound like it needs to as it is described as ‘extraordinarily deep and long’ by seefido.com. Seefido.com also talks a lot about the vestibule in the dog’s vagina. Who knew vaginas had vestibules? That’s the entryway at church, right? Where you wait for the priest to open the doors and allow you in for the service? I don’t think there are many Priests of Canis Vaginus around…so who opens the doors in a dog’s vagina, anyway? I know God made the vagina and all but I think that’s a service even He wouldn’t expect his Chosen People to perform.

Apparently ALL vaginas have vestibules. Even here at Dirty Old Moms, our knowledge is not all-encompassing. But rest assured that we are more than willing to perform those important Google searches that you’re not willing to do, all in the name of higher learning.

In conclusion, I just don’t think that human men having sex with dogs is really the right thing to do. It’s just too difficult to tell if they’re willing or not. Until someone can show me otherwise, I’m going to have to say I’m against men having sex with dogs. Especially if the dogs have been spayed or neutered. I mean, I lost my sex drive for almost three years people, and let me tell you, sex was a REAL chore during that time. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

No animals were harmed in the making of this post. Also, bestiality may not be legal where you live. We live in…Amster..dam. Yeah. Amsterdam. Everything is legal here. So this conversation was perfectly legal and, in fact, even encouraged by our country.