Too Afraid to Grab Horns…

So, I think when one is not getting enough, maybe writing about it could help. Maybe.

I am a single mother. I am a single mother with a rather large sex drive who is not dating anyone. I do have a friend with benefits (FwB), but, gentle reader, having sex once every 3 weeks or so is like a drop water in a vast dried up ocean of desire.

*laughs* Apparently being horny makes me poetic.

The thing is, I don’t want just another FwB. I’m not just horny, I’m also lonely. I want someone who is not just a source of regular (and hot and kinky ) sex, but a companion, company, an emotional connection, someone to go out with! Am I asking for too much? I dunno, maybe… what with working full time, the toddler, all my many hobbies, my insane money woes, not to mention trying to get together with just my FRIENDS, I already have so much on my plate. I don’t know that I have a whole lot left to give to anyone else, or if that’s even fair to anyone else.

And the kicker is I don’t want a man. Or, rather, I don’t want JUST a man. I’m actually rather content with my male FwB, and I’ve been drawn more and more lately to women. I have only just recently consciously realized that I’m bisexual, though looking back I think I started finding woman attractive in high school. I think I even know now who was my first girl crush . I mean, I did mess around with women (and men, I do so love me a threesome) in college, but I only in the last couple of years recognized that I’m really, truly attracted to women, and not just for their bodies. I’m still getting used to my new identity: pagan bisexual mom who is defined by many of her hobbies (geek!!) with a career she both loves and finds impossibly difficult at times. The poly thing, that’s not new to me, though it rarely works out as expected. So I guess I’m looking for a primary woman, as my boy’s definitely my secondary.

I’ve dated a few women, but they were hot and fast and went up in big flames of crazy. *sigh* A couple of the women and I are friends again, which is nice (both married with kids now, now that I think about it… hmm…), but the one that I had the biggest crush on was also the biggest falling out, and she still hates my guts and refuses to acknowledge my presence if we happen to cross in the same circle. It was tramatizing, and I still haven’t really gotten over it. And I guess that’s my problem. I’m terrified to approach women now, more or less.

It’s hard to get some when one is too scared to go out and actually acquire anything, huh? I’m too scared to even approach women, let alone talk to them. And part of that is social stigma and fear of rejection, and part of that is old heart wounds. Ah, yes, the human condition at work. And so instead of daring to get out there, I sit at home with a full supply of batteries and long for the percieved unatainable just because… I’m human. o_O Such is life sometimes.

So, until I finally grab the bull by the horns (Ewe? Ewe’s have horns, and female caribou…), I’ll be here, at the ready. In the meanwhile, at least I did learn something about myself and my identity, and what I want. Until next time, dear reader, I bid you happy orgasms.

Preview…

Hey all. The Muse here, raring to go. Spring is here and the air is full of bright, new, exiting energy, and it all just gets me SO worked up!!

Problem is, I’ve been so busy that nothing’s been going on, and I barely have time to write up a proper post.

So this is kind of a place holder. There is a lot brewing in this little head of mine, and I hope soon to get a good post or two typed up addressing some of the myriad challenges I’m facing as a busy, horny, CRAZY and slightly left-of-normal single mother of one amazing but similarly crazy toddler girl.

TTFN!